Monsters In My Head
by notafraidofalltheattention
Summary: Dan is depressed and Phil tries to help him. Warnings: Possibly triggering, self harm, suicidal thoughts, possibly sex later on, swearing, and slash sorry I'm horrible at summaries
1. Chapter 1

**Monsters In My Head**  
**Author: notafraidofalltheattention**  
**Title: Monsters In My Head**  
**Rating: M**  
**Warnings: Possibly triggering, self harm, suicidal thoughts, possibly sex later on, swearing, and slash**  
**A/N: Helloo! So, uh, this is my first proper fanfic, and I hope you enjoy it! **  
**Disclaimer: I may wish and pray every night that they are, but Dan and Phil are not mine.**

Chapter 1:

Dan woke up with a start, his face buried in his pillow to muffle his screaming. He had woken from a nightmare for the second time that night. When he stopped, he rolled over onto his back, putting his hands over his tear-stained face. He couldn't calm down; the walls were closing in...they were too loud...screaming at him...to cut...to die...  
His eyes flickered toward the drawer where he kept his stash of razors. He pushed himself up and opened the drawer. He grabbed the little box that held somewhere around thirty razors. He took one out, pushed his sleeve up, and without even a thought, dug it into his arm. Again and again until there were nearly fifty bleeding cuts, making their place with the slightly fading old ones.  
Dan sighed in relief. He took an old shirt and pressed it to his arm to stop the bleeding. When it had stopped, he rolled down his sleeve and crawled back into bed. He glanced over at the clock. It was five in the morning and Dan had had about two hours of sleep. He sighed. Well, he wasn't going to fall asleep for a third time, he decided to just lay in bed until Phil came in to 'wake him up.'

Phil was the only reason Dan was still alive. And the fans too of course, but Phil had been the only one to bring a real, true smile or laugh that showed his dimples and lasted longer than the ones brought on by fans. But he was also one of the reasons he was broken. Because he loved Phil, more than a friend, more than a lover. Like a soulmate, like his world. But Phil was straight, and even if he was gay, he would never like Dan. What was there to like? He was too tall and fat, too emotional and needy. Who would ever want someone like him?

The hours ticked past as Dan scrolled through Tumblr on his phone. And soon it was nine a.m and Dan heard Phil moving around. He put his phone down and rolled over, pretending to be asleep. "Dan?" Phil called through his door. Dan remained silent. Phil pushed open the door and peered inside, looking at the 'sleeping' Dan and smiled. He walked inside and reached out and shook Dans shoulder gently. Dan stayed as still and silent as possible. He would never admit it out loud, but sometimes he pretended to be asleep for a long time just so Phil would touch him, and say his name. He loved the sound of his name on Phils lips. And he loved the feel of Phils hands on him, even if they were just shaking him to wake him up.

"Daaan get up!" Phil said, shaking his shoulder again. Dan groaned and snuggled deeper into the blankets. "Get up!" Phil said, lightly tapping his upper arm. "Nooo." Dan whined. Phil sighed and feigned mock sadness. "I didn't want it to have to come to this, but you leave me no choice." And with that, he shot his hands at Dans sides, tickling him. Dan burst into giggles, pushing at his hands. "Nohoho Phil!" he cried, squirming. "Are you gonna get up?" "Yehehes!" Phil pulled away with a grin on his face. But that grin faded almost immediatley. In Dans desperate batting and squirming his sleeve had gone up and the fresh cuts from earlier were on display.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2:

"Your arm..." Phil said horrified. Dans eyes widened and he shoved his sleeve down, his face pale. "What happened?!" "I...er...walked into a bush walking home..." Dan mumbled. It sounded more like a question. "Dan, I know that's not true. They're to straight. You did these, didn't you?" Phil asked, putting a finger under Dans chin and forcing him to look up into his eyes. After a moment of silence, Dan nodded and burst into sobs. "I-I'm so sorry." he choked out, curling up and burying his head in his knees.

Phil felt tears well up in his eyes and letting them silently fall as he pulled Dan into his arms. "It's okay, it's okay." he whispered in his ear. "No it's not!" Dan burst out, ripping himself put of Phils grip and standing up. "I'm a good for nothing emo freak! I'm fat and ugly and disgusting!" he yelled. "I can't even upload my fucking videos on time, and I can't deal with hate because I'm a fucking pussy! I get a comment about my weight or my hair and I have to cut into my own fucking skin to make me feel better!"

Phil was sat, dumbfounded as Dan raged on. How could he say such horrible things about himself? He was perfect. His cute little dimples, his pretty eyes, his perfect face and hair and body...how could he not see it? "I'm a failure! I can't even get through fucking University! I can't keep up with anything, and instead of doing anything I let it continue and just cut it away!" Hot tears were streaming down Dans face. He looked over at Phil and immediatly stopped his ranting. Phil had curled himself up and he was crying. "P-Phil?" Dan asked in a much softer voice. Phil shot his head up, along with his body and threw himself at Dan, hugging him tight.

"You aren't any of those things. You're sweet and funny and adorable and you're not fat! You don't have to listen to the fans, just post on your own time, they'll understand. I love you to death, you're my best friend. Please don't ever think for a moment you aren't worth anything, because you're worth the world to me." He said in Dans ear. Dan hugged him back tightly. "I'm sorry." he mumbled. "There's nothing to be sorry for. It's not your fault, it's mine for not realizing." "No, don't blame yourself!" "As long as you don't blame yourself." "Okay." "Okay." Dan smiled a little at the TFIOS reference.

"Let's go eat some breakfast and watch some Buffy." Phil said, slinging an arm around Dans waist. "And if you want to talk, just tell me and I'll be here to listen." Dan nodded with a smile. And they went into the lounge, with bowls of cereal they curled up on the couch and re-watched old Buffy episodes. And Dan didn't think he'd been this happy in years.


End file.
